


Crushing is Complicated

by The_Peaches_Pits



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Yamaguchi Tadashi, Dreams and Nightmares, Family Issues, First Kiss, Implied Sexual Content, Love Confessions, M/M, Mixed Signals, One Shot, Pining, Stressed Bisexual, Tsukkiyama Garbage, Volleyball Dorks in Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-19 16:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16538240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Peaches_Pits/pseuds/The_Peaches_Pits
Summary: "Who would've thought that this day would ever come?  When did you get so cool? I mean it. That was cool...." Each night when back at home these ongoing words haunt Yamaguchi. But along with a haunting they came with fresh new feelings. Feelings past friendship that he never did expect, or want. Having to chase the thoughts out with remedies each night has lead to unwanted distance. That Tsukshima can't stand. So he ends it. And after an event of mixed feelings Yamaguchi gives a confession that might end something entirely.





	Crushing is Complicated

**Author's Note:**

> This took so much longer than I ever expected and the spamming of like four songs on one playlist for the right mood. For any mixed up tenses, I can promise at least, before last chapter is posted I will go back to fix them. Until then just getting into spirit and a pattern of writing would be nice. I truly hate confession stories but, my favorite boys idea struck me bad a while back. I just had to go for it. Style is written in "third person limited" because god it's my first time in that and I suck. In other words have lots and lots of sad Yams. 
> 
> Oh yeah...??NSFW?? ending implied sex dream like the warning says. No rape full consent it's basically a sad naked makeout.

Goosebumps licked themselves up arms. No trail of spit parting from a tongue, just a fingertip’s freeze. Familiar but foreign in the area it landed. Tadashi gulped feeling the adjustment of fabric.  


“Can I?” The words desired came from the voice that one craved. A palm marched its way with determination up a spine. This feeling never before brought such an overwhelming chill. A shaky breath fell from quivering lips. The thought of yes was a sin but,  


“D..Don’t stop.” the broken fragment of a sentence, was followed with a scoof. But to one's demise, he wanted actions to continued. They seemed and had no further reason to stop. Unless verbally stated. Tadashi knew he was in the wrong. Hidden for so long. It’s become this. A night of passion to be forgotten. But it has not been forgotten, it seems to be on loop. He wants this to stop. He wants these feelings to stop. Blood flow was slow opposite of the close to bursting heart rate. One sense preparing for craving pleasure, the other knowing how wrong it was. Shame robbed thoughts. Tadashi continued to force shame to take over. He wanted this so badly but also couldn’t pray enough for it to end. Clogging and jamming of mental works became the next craving. But, realizing once attention was brought, there was nothing to touch. Slowly a palm had reached its peak. Beforehand savoring every feel. Teasing and testing new found limits. The palm stopped and marked its waiting place. It marked the spot of where each following step would lead to extremes. Tadashi knew what was expected. What was expected to fill his craving. Slowly his neck craned back consenting to the following actions. As it is what he wanted, he knew deeply it’s what he craved. After so long. So long with these pent up feelings. He fell into a burning hold. Not the touch of warmth. The burning feeling was almost equal to frostbite. Goosebumps rocketed down flesh. He was drowning in the touch. Drowning in it. Along with shame. Deep rooted and heavy shame, he had brought upon himself.  


Desires of a moment of pleasure with someone he loved. Someone he loved. Eyes welted with lining tears. He was mentally exhausted. So tired his thoughts were on a disturbed loop. He wanted no part with these thoughts. He wanted this loveless and with no connections. Back to the mindset of a pointless one night stand. Actions spook in place of closeted words. Flowing and moving, fingers engraved into hair. Smooth and familiar. Puffing thickly between gaps. He took his turn in control. If it came with mental hell, he was gonna feel the pleasure he wanted. Slowly, an unseen head followed a command. With each progressing moment of space closing, tears welted to their highest point. Knowing with fear what was to come one could not help it. With a choking gasp, eyes flung open. And it all shattered. Tears fell as teeth behind kissing lips went onto skin. Another hand wrapped and twisted tugging Tadashi’s frame closer. He shook. Falling into choking sobs, all more than breathless. A head moved simply tilting off for tears to shed. Resting on a shoulder. So familiar. So painfully respating and familiar. The feeling of a cannon not imagined touch. Light puffs of breaths came as forced shushes. Tadashi tried. He tried sealing eyes once again. But, the torturous sight from before never left. Fingers grasped harder begging to not want this. Without realizing one’s chest stopped. A clot of air and emotions shushed him. An unspoken head rolled into the male’s gripping fingers. Urging to continue at one’s wish. This acted as a final sushing attempt. And, with throbbing shame it worked. Delighted chuckles haunted him coming from his partner. The split moment of no emotions had already faded. Lips puckered with painful force. Wanting to progress this moment to one benefit. Move to one bonus. To one thing that didn’t seem so bad. Before one could breathe again, mysterious lips that could be traced from old memories, mixed with Tadashi’s. Almost as if eyes were never closed, Tadashi couldn’t help but still see the sight. Blond hair locked between his fingers, brown eyes filled with desire, and pale skin and lips moving forward. Tilting off his chest constricted. Choken back with needed words,  


“Tsukki I..I..love you!” 

Words were equal to a mental alarm. A figue flew from sheets. The only thing that stopped one’s movements were clenched sheets. Tadashi released a shaky hand. Fingers slowly peeling from their threshold. It happened again. Like it has been for the past three weeks. Thoughts surfaced and swirled putting pieces together. One could never get away. Each night that came brought a nightmare. The same haunting idea with each. The process of closeted feelings ripping at one’s mental state. The unclasped hand searched for support. Something to regain a sense of being. Something needed to snap one from the deam. They went for the same spot every night. Under eyes to try and suffocate the darkening sights. Fingers brushed under bags. Bags collected from so many pointless attempts to go sleepless. Fingers peeled and stopped to squeeze a cheek. The comforting sense of his own real skin in Tadashi’s hands. Tonight was a continuation of the past week. Just plain sickening. Cold air rushed back into lungs. Fresh from panting and choking of a night’s thrashings. Eyes rolled to a dresser nearby. The clock’s light hazeley transmitted the hour. Freshly past four am. In the covering of minutes the highlighted brand of medication shined. Over counter stolen from a bathroom cabinet sleeping pills. They served as what was thought of as a solution. But..clearly they had failed their purpose. Nostrils flared and angered hands rushed forward. Equal to an abusers hands flying for a neck, the body of a bottle was locked between Tadashi’s palm. Eyes forced to make out labels, needing mental addvalidation that the pills failed. But with his need to not scare his family, his view gave up with no light source. Without being able to tell if it was a chance of hope or a future addiction, he shook a bottle. Empty. He managed to make his timing horrible, and consume what he found at the bottle’s end. Defeat came in the form of another flare and arms acted fast. Before his heart could let out a defeated beat, fingers released their hold. A bottle went flying across the room. Colliding with the edge of a desk to bounce back on impact. The bottle rolled. It rolled back to the side of a bedframe.  


Eyes let out a heavy blink with a regretful breath. An action pointless to just come back and haunt him. A body tried to regain itself. Thoughts obviously could not be one for reason. Eyes seeming to just open again brought something with them. If it could not be added to the darkness, a tint all to familiar lined a view. The lining and coating of tears. Tadashi shivered rushing palms up not watching where they slid. Teardrops rolled coating cheeks, and sloppily leaving spots along skin. What didn’t drench a face locked and made fingers slip. Slip more than words wanted to. Slipped more than the thoughts of a happy life. A happy life where he could hide his love or confess with pure reconcile. But Tadashi new the truth of these wishes. He knew they were wishes. Nothing more nothing less. This sight, this state of mind, this depressing position it happened every night. Every night spent with a tongue bitten for the good of a friendship. Slowly and progressively a chest starts to give. Light tears starts to choking sobs. Sobs that drain the rest of the night away. Sobs that come with nothing but heart and the want to lack one. Slowly time clicked by five, ten, thirty minutes collected. Each passing set brought the lowering of a body’s water supply. Until with one final choke, coughs fell. Loud and echoing. Choking on breath and salt equal to words and thoughts. A metaphorical cord of emotions tugging him to the end. A body fell back crashing with a soft surface. A back ached from leaning trying to ball itself, equal to the bawling of Tadashi himself. Final swipes of fingers cleared tears. Breaths slowed as an attempt to calm. Slowly a body regained itself. Through the process of a cry up to debate if healthy. Skin crawled at every inch. Tadashi resorted to childish acts of hiding under blanket, to avoid the feeling. This act seemed to represent more than one occurrence. Eyes rolled at idiotic thoughts that held truth he refused to admit. Tired and emotionally exhausted, he kept a view of a now clear clock. Time rested comfortably just half past. He wished he could recall a night recently, where resting comfortably could even pass. Shaking a head he thought of something horrid. Something horrible. Something so horrible it was funny.  


“I finally get why they call it a crush. If you do nothing about it, it crushes you until your in a hellish land of your own feelings. I’m such a fucking idiot it hurts.” Words snarky almost as an insult he would hear from someone. Phrasing and words copy pasted directly from another. From another who held so much power over him. He knew sleep wasn’t on the agenda. It wasn’t going to continue or restart. Simply he laid. Praying for the hours to tick by faster than before. Praying for when the time comes nothing bad happens. Praying for when his eyes rest upon the love of his life, he can hold it together. That he can keep himself quiet, fake, and contained. That he can keep himself from getting crushed.

**Author's Note:**

> I will say this Yam's dream was meant to be basically one of the worst thoughts possible. Them simply being emotionless fuck buddies and not partners not even friends. He basically has it because, he'd let himself be a piece of meat as an excuse to still have Tsukki. That's 100% the only spice in this story. 
> 
> I think this will be split into around 4 parts? I'm re-writing this captions months later then the original posting and I'm on part two. Tsukki is coming up next, along with more sad and horribly pinning Yamaguchi. Bonus headcanons as well and my entire made up family plot line for the boys. It's worth it somewhat I promise. - Peach


End file.
